


A Hymn for Aphrodite

by strawberry_cider



Series: PinotPurple fics [16]
Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, this is so stupid but I need serotonin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:34:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27354316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberry_cider/pseuds/strawberry_cider
Summary: Orpheus and Eurydice wrote a song in the honour of Lady Aphrodite.
Series: PinotPurple fics [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2040973
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

Zagreus and his esteemed parents, Lord Hades and Lady Persephone, escorted Lady Aphrodite into their home. Orpheus and his beloved Eurydice requested an audience with the goddess of love in order to present a hymn they have written in her honour, in praise of her physical beauty and unmatched passion.

“Let us hear what you have prepared, our favourite tragic lovers.” Aphrodite smiled kindly, seating herself at a chair.

“We are most honoured to have you in our presence, our Grace.” Orpheus humbly bowed his head. “My dear Eurydice shall sing, as the lyrics we have composed are to be sung by the voice of a woman of your likeness.”

“Let us hear it.” Lord Hades said, prompting Orpheus to begin strumming on his lyre. It was a slow and low tune, languid and catchy to the ear. The four gods for an audience found themselves tapping or swaying to the rhythm.

“I said! Certified freak!” Eurydice began, with a cadence somewhere between singing and reciting a poem, but not quite either. “Seven days a week! Wet-ass pussy! Make that pull-out game _weak_!” Eurydice sang, punctuating the last sentence with sticking her tongue out salaciously.

The rulers of the Underworld and their guest stared at the singer with varying degrees of shock and varying degrees of flushing to their cheeks. It only intensified as Eurydice sang the chorus:

“Yeah, yeah, yeah...” She chanted softly, emulating with her voice an entirely different activity. “Yeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussy! Bring a bucket and a mop, for this wet-ass pussy! Give me _everything you got_ , for this wet-ass pussy!”

“That is quite enough!” Lord Hades suddenly said, trying and failing to conceal a tremble in his voice. His wife and son continued staring at Eurydice, completely stunned.

Lady Aphrodite, on the other hand, appeared to be quire delighted. Her mouth, which hung ajar following the first verses, had turned upwards in an excited, if not silly grin. “Oh no no, please!” She told Hades. “Do let them continue!”

Hades stared for a long moment at Aphrodite. To say he appalled was an understatement. It was as if he forgot who he was conversing with.

“Whatever is the matter?” Aphrodite asked, daring Hades to explain why the song was distressing him.

Hades sighed, admitting defeat. “Carry on.” He said, not looking at Eurydice and her husband, nor at his own wife and child. The former two bowed and carried on they did.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess what, this is a series now

Zagreus watched his father enter the cafeteria, then immediately turn heel as he came up one of the Fury sisters humming to herself the final verses of the “hymn” composed by Eurydice and Orpheus. She slapped her own thigh as she sang “macaroni in a pot”.

“I don’t understand why father is so shocked. It’s just a song.” Zagreus said to his mother. “There are equally dirty hymns in the name of Dionysus.”

“While I do consider myself an open-minded person, this is... too much.” Lady Persephone said, shaking her head.

“Booh!” Hypnos called out from the entrance foyer.

Lord Hades seated himself at his desk, with the desire to drown out his worries with paperwork, when Orpheus politely asked for another audience. For all he wanted him to play again in the house, Hades now found himself dreading whatever new song Orpheus and Eurydice came up with.

“Lord Hades, my dear wife and I have composed a new song, as per the request of Lady Aphrodite.” Orpheus said. “But it may be sung in the honour of any god, to mock those foolish enough to dare to cross the gods.”

“Let us hear it.” Lord Hades said, mentally preparing himself for whatever else these two prepared and considered “music”.

Eurydice gracefully cleared her throat and straightened her back, before beginning to recite the rapid-fire lyrics with a tone of anger and annoyance.

“Hey you little piss baby! You think you’re so fucking cool? Huh?! You think you’re so fucking tough? You talk a lot of big game for someone with such a small truck!”

Lord Hades could feel a part of his immortal soul withering away as Eurydice continued, her voice getting more and more wrathful:

“Oh, look at those arms! Your arms look so fucking cute! They look like little cigarettes! I bet I could smoke you! I could roast you! And then you’d love it and tell me ‘I love you’ and then _I’d fucking ghost you_!-”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


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